Last week I wrote about a mink that had decided to live in my goddamn boat.
He loves to eat and shit in my boat and by the middle of last week it became a major problem. I could hardly keep up with the filthy bastard and I wanted to play long ball with his head and my boat paddle.
It's disgustingly unsanitary and unsafe because when threatened these buggers can get nasty.
On Thursday I noticed that there was an opening up under my steering wheel and a similar one on the other side so I soaked some J-clothes in Javex and stuffed them up there with a pile of moth balls. I thought this might force him out and avoid a violent confrontation.
It didn't help. If anything he became more determined to lay a freakin' claim to my Thundercraft and he ate more and he shit more.
By Sunday I was at my wits end but my two kids had come north and they wanted to go out in the boat.
Well didn't we crap our pants when halfway through out ride, right out in the middle of the lake, Mink the fuckin' weasel sticks his head out from the ass end of the boat where the battery is.
When my son Danny made a move to grab a paddle to smear the bastard, he runs towards the front of the boat where my daughter Melanie is driving.
But Mel didn't care that she was driving. It didn't stop her from screaming and standing straight up momentarily losing control of the watercraft.
After yelling at her to calm down and get back to navigating the skiff, I asked Danny if he saw where the mink rat went. He said it went back towards the battery compartment, so we flipped it open only to see nothing.
The son of a bitch had found another place to hide and we couldn't see him anywhere. But at least we knew he was in the boat.
This prompted a quick stop over at my friend Gus's who has all kinds of neat shit in a huge shed and among the neat shit is a series of traps, one of which is suitable for catching dirty rotten filthy varmints like weasel rats.(picture)
We got back to the dock and Danny quickly went into action. He loaded the trap while I pulled back the cushions in the bow-rider portion of my boat. I thought he might have gone up there by slinking up the ski well.
Man oh man. What a wonderful life this prick was leading. There are three compartments in the front of my boat and in short order this guy had moved in and made himself at home.
One compartment was for eating. It was covered in crawfish shells. The other compartment was for shitting, there were several piles. And the third was filled with soft stuff and leaves for his bed.
No wonder he loves my boat. How many mink weasel rats get a three room apartment rent free. Unfortunately was he was nowhere to be seen. He was still in a crevice, hiding like some Osama Bin Laden of rodents.
Danny had gotten some fresh fish guts from my neighbour Gerry and he loaded the trap which we put back near the battery and we waited.
And we waited and we waited.
Finally Danny had to leave about seven o'clock and he was disappointed that we hadn't trapped the animal - because like me, he was frustrated and he was in total agreement with my verdict - the mink had been sentenced to death.
Danny went home, but I left the trap in the boat fully expecting him to come out of hiding during the night and enter the trap that would be accidentally dropped off the end of the dock once he was inside.
I couldn't believe it when I got up this morning. There was no mink in the trap and there was no sign that he had been there.
No shit, no shells and the fish guts that had been placed in the trap were still there in all their aromatic glory.
I thought at the very least he would have attempted to eat the fish. But he hadn't.
In fact I quickly got the impression that he hadn't been there at all, like he had decided to move out without giving notice or taking his belongings.
What a prick. In some respects he had stolen my boat, and now he had robbed me of revenge.
But as I sit her in Brampton you should know, I haven't given up. The trap is still baited and from time to time another good friend named Papa Doug will check on it.
And if for some reason between now and Friday it captures the mink, Doug has promised to keep him in the cage and keep him alive.
I'll look after the rest.