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52 Dollar Piss

March 6, 2007 @ 09:26

Just to keep everybody up to date, my son Danny made it home from Mexico last night and it was a great feeling when he walked in the door.

I admit, I sound like a big suck but all the Mexican stories over the past year had his mother and I a little freaked out while he was away.

And wouldn't you know it; he did actually come back with a Mexican Police story.

On Friday night he and a few friends took a trip in Cabo San Lucas and they went to a few bars.

At the end of the night while they were walking back to the bus a guy on Danny's tour ducked into a bush to have a piss. He no sooner got his pecker back into his pants when the cops converged.

There was no confrontation or incarceration, just a quick negotiation. The vein drain cost 500 Pecos.

What a wonderful place.

Category: Family

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Danny P. Checks In

March 3, 2007 @ 09:49

I received a fabulous phone call last night. It was my son Danny calling from Mexico.

Last night was night five in a seven night stay and it's been excruciating for his mother and I. We don't want to wish his trip away but given all the crap that's happened to Canadians in Mexico over the past year, we're nervous.

He may be a grown 21 year old man, but that doesn't matter, you're kids are always you're kids and from what I can gather that never changes.

Dan made a quick call to say the resort is great, the weather's been great, the booze is great and the food's been OK.

Last night he planned on going into the little town of San Jose Del Cabo.

We told him to have a good time. But don't get friendly with any shady looking people, don't dance with any native girls, watch out for hit and run drivers and when you get back to the hotel watch out for flying bullets and don't befriend any security guards who want to give you a foot massage.

That's all.

Category: Family

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The Daily Puppy

March 3, 2007 @ 09:37

I had a posting earlier this week about my daughter Melanie and her love for animals. She sent me a link to the "Daily Puppy" with no message attached; she just assumed it would brighten my day, which it did.

Well Mel sent me the link again yesterday under the subject matter "Freddy". Check it out, then bookmark the "Daily Puppy".

Category: Family | Fun Stuff

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Mel and Me

February 28, 2007 @ 08:01

A lot of things contribute to making my daughter the wonderful person she is, but at the top of the list is her love for kids and animals.

Shortly after she moved into her new apartment in August she told me she wanted to get a pet and she ended up with bloody rabbits of all things. She calls them Bacon and Eggs.

Her mother and I warned Melanie not to get the goddamn rabbits but after one trip to the Humane Society she fell in love with these things that do nothing more than sit and shit.

But what are you gonna do? The kid loves animals and I love her and how can you argue with compassion - the type of compassion that allows me to receive this e-mail from Melanie yesterday. There was no message with it, just this link.

Category: Family

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February 26, 2007 @ 07:16

For Christmas 2005 my mother bought my son Danny a very special gift. Not you'd expect a 78 year old woman to give her then 19 year old son for Christmas. It was a box on condoms.

If you knew my mother you wouldn't think that much of it. She's always looking for a laugh and she delivered on this one. She couldn't wait to see his reaction when he un-wrapped the box, although to be honest she was probably a little disappointed because knowing his grandmother the way he does, Dan didn't miss a beat by telling her she should have bought the extra large.

Anyway, it was a fun time around the Christmas tree and I honestly didn't get an icky feeling about my mother buying condoms for my son.

I did get an icky feeling yesterday however when my wife offered to do the same thing. I think she was only kidding because I'm sure Danny's capable of buying condoms for himself, but when Delyse made the offer I felt a bit nauseous.

Danny left for Mexico this morning and yesterday he was telling him mother, tongue in cheek I'm sure, that he planned on meeting a single chick at the resort so he could shack up for the week and not have to sleep in the same room as his buddy.

It was at that point his mother told him he better watch what he's doing and did he want her to go out and buy him some condoms? And it was also at that point that all the life was sucked out of me and I got the creeps.

I couldn't imagine my wife going out to Shoppers Drug Mart to buy extra large condoms.
She only knows how to buy the small kind.

Category: Family

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You Won't Believe This

February 22, 2007 @ 10:42

Frequent readers of will find this amusing. Over the past several months I've referred to Mexico as a third world shit-hole, a corrupt backwards hell-hole, and I swore I'd never ever return there to vacation.

So imagine how I felt when I was on the phone with a Sunquest representative yesterday booking a trip to Mexico. It was surreal.

I was talking to this woman, giving her my credit card number for an all-inclusive trip to Mexico which departs on Monday morning.

I know what you're thinking - what a hypocrite, what a big mouth flip-floppin' blowhard - and if that's what you're thinking, I understand, but let me explain.

I'm not going. My son Danny is. Danny's a good boy who's never given his mother nor me an ounce of trouble. He's always done what he's been told and never, and I mean never asks for anything in return.

For the past couple of years by wife and I have been urging Danny to go on a trip. We want him to experience as much as he can before he joins the everyday working world and going away with some buddies is something we wanted him to do.

Problem is, he never really acted on the offer until this week, and still it came at the urging of me and his mother. Reading week was coming up at college so we encouraged him to go somewhere.

Well didn't I crap my pants when he came back and said he'd like to go away with three friends next week and told me Mexico was the destination?

"Mexico" I said. "Why Mexico, it's a third world shit hole Dan!"

"No it's not" he sad. "A lot of my friends have been there and they like it. Dad, we've been there and you liked it."

He was right but that was before throats were slashed, bullets flew, hit and runs happened and the Mexican police looked the other way.

What was I going to do?

"Why don't you go somewhere else Danny?"

"Because when you go to Mexico you don't need a passport and most other places that don't need passports are booked full. It's reading week in a lot of places."

And then it struck me. He's 21 years old and old enough to make his own decisions and all the qualities I give him credit for are all the qualities necessary to travel to other parts of the world and survive. I couldn't argue any more. He wanted to go and he deserved to go, so he was going. I picked up the phone and booked it.

But let me tell you and tell you loud and clear. Danny may be going but you'll never catch me in that third world corrupt backwards shit-hole again. I'm a man of conviction.

Category: Family

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February 15, 2007 @ 16:39

When the Maple Leafs flew to Philadelphia yesterday there were 20 extra passengers. The Leafs have decided to follow the lead of several other NHL teams and have a father and son road trip.

All the fathers of all the Leafs were invited to Philly for the road trip which will include two nights, team meals, team practices and the game against the Flyers.

It's a great idea and something I'm sure the players and their dads will appreciate and probably never forget. When you're a kid you go on lots of road trips with your dad, but when you're an adult it means even more.

Back in 2002 when I was working at my beloved MOJO, the radio station built a promotion around me and my dad. A father and son trip to Florida to see a couple of Leafs games, a Dolphins game and a Miami Heat game. From several hundred entries, we picked a winner and he and his dad would travel with me and my dad.

I remember going up to Stayner a few weeks before the trip and telling my dad. It was a great moment because he could hardly believe it.

It was hard for him to comprehend that he was actually going to get on a plane with me and head to Florida for a week to do nothing but watch sporting events and it wasn't going to cost a cent.

And we had a fabulous time. We had top notch accommodations, we ate at fabulous restaurants, toured South Beach and the Everglades, but the highlight had to be the Dolphins game.

There was something very cool about sitting and watching the Dolphins and Raiders on a Sunday afternoon in December, wearing shorts, sweating in 75 degree weather and sucking back a king sized beer.

It's something neither of us will ever forget. I was 45 and my dad was 76 at the time, and really gave us something to hold on to.

Very few of us get to experience something like that with their father at that stage of their lives and I'm so glad it happened when it did.

Big Dick is still doing well these days, but if we were given the same opportunity to do the same thing right now, I'm not sure he'd be up to it.

Category: Family

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Mel and Me

January 31, 2007 @ 15:22

I had another Dad moment yesterday. I was downtown having just finished some business when I noticed I was close to the CHUM/City building.

I picked up the phone and called my sweet Melanie who's been working for Muchmore Music for a couple of years now. I was hungry and wanted to see if she'd had lunch, and I hadn't seen her in close to three weeks.

We agreed to meet at the front doors of Much and then go grab a bite. And that's when it happened. When the door on Queen St. swung open and out walked my daughter, the career woman.

She has no idea of the feeling that came over me because I didn't make note of it, but it was almost surreal. In a flash these thoughts went through my mind.

She's beautiful, she carries herself impressively, she's no longer a little girl, and where did the time go? As she came through those doors, I actually felt lightheaded.

It was just yesterday that I was meeting this kid at the front doors of Terry Fox Public School to take her to McDonalds. Now I was meeting her at the front doors of her work place so she could take a few minutes away from her career so we could go and have Indian food.

Emotions are funny, and when you experience an equal amount of happy and sad at the same time it can send you for a loop.

Category: Family

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Layin Low

December 31, 2006 @ 12:10

Yes Delyse and I have thrown I the New Years towel.

It took about 30 years for us to realize that New Years eve is the most over-rated night of the year, so tonight we'll do what most middle aged couples do. Nothing.

We made a vow a couple of weeks ago. No matter what happens, no matter what offer comes our way, we won't do anything tonight. We're going to stay home.

We might go out for dinner early in the evening, but not to some high priced, pre-set menu rip-off thing that seems to be the norm on New Years Eve - we'll go to a local spot and then come back to the house and take our positions.

Probably in our bed in front of the television watching whatever cheesy countdown shows that might be on.

That's providing we stay awake that long. Something tells me this might be the first time in close to 40 years that I haven't seen the stroke midnight on the 31st of December, and that's just fine by me.

In recent years my favourite New Years eve's have been at our friends place up in Bethany. We made a huge bonfire and cranked the tunes into his beautiful backyard and welcomed the New Year with a quick hug and a kiss.

A couple of times the weather has been so mild we've been able to play bocce under the lights at midnight.

Unfortunately that option is not available this year and we've quickly rejected all other offers for stiff house parties, boring dances and gatherings that involve big crowds.

Ma and Pa Patterson are hangin' out at home. It's a new beginning.

If I can offer one interesting thing you might do at home, it's following New Years Eve celebrations on inter-net radio stations.

Just before seven o'clock I tune in stations from England and Scotland and listen to them welcome the New Year.

If you're really ambitious you can listen to New Years celebrations all day. As I write this it's already 2007 in Australia.

Category: Family


Holding On

December 25, 2006 @ 10:53

It's approximately 8:25 and I'm still sitting here waiting for my kids to get out of bed. My how times have changed.

Melanie is 24 and Danny is 21 but my wife Delyse still puts on a Christmas morning like they're eight and five. There are just as many presents, piled just as high, and me and Delyse still have the same anticipation of watching them open their gifts, but there's one significant change - the kids anticipation has worn off a bit.

It used to be they'd come into our room at 4:30 or 5:00 in the morning saying they couldn't sleep and they wanted to go downstairs. A couple of times we had to send them back to bed for awhile.

But this morning it's pushing nine o'clock and there's no movement at all. I think we actually have to go in and wake Danny up. He didn't roll in till about three o'clock this morning and considering his sleep schedule it might be tomorrow before he's ready to open his gifts.

Melanie's a little bit different - she didn't go out last night and she's usually the one who kick-starts the whole process, but even she's still conked out. Mel's a career woman now so I guess the grown up schedule and long hours have taken their toll. Sleeping in takes priority over presents at this stage of her life, and after all, the presents will still be here when they get up so what's the hurry.

I just put on a big pot of "Tuscany," it's a lovely blend of coffee from a place called the "Coffee Tree" on Bloor St - a gift from Dan Duran. I'll munch on a couple of shortbread cookies, take the dog out and maybe have a shower.

Who knows, it could be noon before we're sitting down to our traditional ham and eggs before getting ready for a trip to my in-laws But no sweat, I'm just happy that all four of us are in the same house on Christmas morning - it won't be this way much longer.

Category: Family

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