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Silence Is Golden

May 4, 2010 @ 09:12

I took a couple of days off from the massive responsibility of programming what is the Corus Radio Empire in Peterborough, but let me tell you, a programmer never really rests, we are constantly spinning the radio dial analyzing the competition and comparing product.

Such was the case this morning while sitting in my Brampton office. I happened upon the HTZ-FM morning show out of St. Catherines. It's hosted by a likable fellow named Iron Mike Bennson and he was conducting an interesting poll.

"How long before it's acceptable to fart in front of your mate?" (A great topic by the way)

The calls started to pour in and as you might expect the response was lopsided. Men fart in front of women long before women do in front of men. Ultimately I don't think there was a clear consensus on a time line, but that really didn't matter because it got me to thinking about my little darlin' Delyse.

On June 28, Delyse and I will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary but we've actually been an item for close to 36 years.

I've never heard her fart. Not once. Not a ripper not a breezer, not even an SBD.

From time to time this comes up in conversation with friends and family and they can't believe it. They can't believe that there hasn't been an incident stretched over a relationship that is now pushing four decades. But there hasn't been.

Not in her sleep, not through accident and not through sickness. I've never heard so much as a "freep" out of this woman. No pop, no poof and definitely no splat.

It's interesting to hear the reaction of people when I tell them about my non-toxic love mate. I can tell some don't believe it, especially those guys who have women who drop bombs all over the place. In some way I think they're jealous because they equate lady farts with respect.

They feel Delyse must respect me a lot more than their wives respect them because she doesn't expose me to her inner workings. Although that's a nice thought, and it plays a major part in this story, it's not the entire reason. Lifestyle is another reason.

Delyse eats well, watches her weight and has the utmost class, and if there's any part of your that thinks she's blowing off steam when I'm not around, I remind you of the sleep factor.

If it was simply a case of having a strong fart trigger, how do you explain that in 36 years not once have I heard her crease one in her sleep?

There is no explanation other than I'm married to a special person with a gastro system that is the envy of all other women. Which brings me to another point; some women get downright nasty when I tell them about Delyse and her shortage of methane.

They don't want to believe it; in fact they refuse to believe it. They intimate that there must be something wrong with her. Oh my, they can be catty.

But what can I say people? It is what it is and my sweet darlin' has never ever let go with a trouser cough in front of the Fred man. It just hasn't happened and as long as it continues I'm fine with it, although I admit it's horribly unfair because I can't make the same claim.

How long was it before I let one go in front of her?

Way back in 1974, so surprised that such a sweet and gorgeous thing would have any interest in me, the first time she kissed me I shit my pants.

Category: Family

Permalink Discuss

195 Responses to "Silence Is Golden"


Donny P
May 4, 2010 / 10:00

Freddie, remember this: Angels don't fart.


Liz
May 4, 2010 / 10:34

I just love the wonderful way you always talk about your Darling. Thanks for kicking my day off in such a happy way, Fred!


4 x 4 Time
May 4, 2010 / 10:42

Dude, I would hope you are not around when she does rip. 30 plus years of storage, it won't be pretty!


Boomer
May 4, 2010 / 11:59

This is the type of "ripping" topic that you are great at and makes this blog standout among the others Freddie!


Al F
May 4, 2010 / 12:10

You are blessed. She is a special women !!
30 years. Congrats.
I remember at the end of the night, trying to buy a bottle of Rum and some beer from your dad for the "after the reception" party back at my house. He handed it to me and wouldn't take a dime for it. A class act.

Al


Buffalo Boy Mike
May 4, 2010 / 15:31

Freddie what makes you stand out from other bloggers is the fact that you can talk about farting and florching like its nothing and people read it and they are laughing the rest of the day about it...I have to go listen to the Humble and Fred CD now the track about Farting


IanC
May 5, 2010 / 08:45

It's true. Everyone passes gas, but some less (volume and odor) than others. Some people, learnt from a young age, are better at holding it in.

There are rumours that if you eat yogurt, that also helps reduce bad gas events.

Where as pepole like Fred, seem to be at the opposite spectrum: "Better out than in".


JAMES
May 5, 2010 / 09:21

George Carlin was right, farts are funny or the lack of. I needed a laugh Fred. Thanks


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May 5, 2010 / 20:41

I started listening to Iron Mike after you guys left 102.1
He's done well for himself, he lives in Buffalo and drives over the border every day to do his show. Joe Cahill was his morning co-host until he found a job up in Wasaga at "97.7 the beach". They play top 5 not too good. http://www.mikeomearashow.com/
Check out this podcast these guys were fired from their radio station and now they do a daily 1 hour show, lots of laughs


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May 7, 2010 / 17:20

"Delyse eats well, watches her weight and has the utmost class, ..."

Proof positive that opposites attract!


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You can't hear it over your snoring!


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I am extremely impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it's rare to see a nice blog like this one these days.. :)


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November 30, 2010 / 18:27

Well done my friend. Thumbs up.


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November 30, 2010 / 18:55

Interesting layout on your blog. I really enjoyed reading it and also I will be back to read more in the future.


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