June 20, 2009 @ 12:57
I realize I haven't written a lot lately, but I've been very busy in Peterborough and I haven't found the right deal for wireless at the trailer yet, so those hours have been shaved away as well.
I promise, in the weeks ahead I'll be writing more, and the reason I say promise is because I'm flattered by those who've e-mailed to ask what the hell's going on.
Anyway, it's Saturday morning, I'm sitting in the Brampton office and it's another shitty day outside, but thanks to Neighbour John I have something to write about.
The ultimate florch.
If you're note familiar with the term "florch", it was a term that was coined on the Humble and Fred Show back in the 90's. To the point, it's the act of farting and having some juice come out.
It was the subject of much fodder on our radio show throughout the years. I maintained that most everyone on earth has "florched" at least once in their life, but Humble and Danger Boy denied ever having done it.
Danger Boy I could "almost" believe because he was still in his 20's at the time and his sphincter still possessed the necessary muscles to fight off such things.
Humble was a different story. I don't care what he says I'm sure at some time during his 40-plus years he's had to mop up after trying to squeeze one out.
Which brings me to the Neighbour John story, which ironically happened on the day of Humble and Fred's 20th Podcast of Memories.
Neighbour John has always been one of my biggest supporters and there's was no way he was going to miss the podcast on May 2nd, so about one o'clock he jumped in the car to make the two o'clock start time.
Problem is, because of some of the comments that had been made on this blog about his eating habits and weight, John had just begun a cabbage soup diet. Admittedly I'm not big on such things, but Johnny boy wanted a kick start to some weight loss so he decided to go the cabbage soup route.
Apparently, somewhere around Burnhamthorpe, heading south on the 427, John lifted one of his ass cheeks to let go with one of his patented stink bombs, only this time there was more than just stink.
The cabbage soup diet had been playing havoc with his "internal stool maker" so what was intended to be a nice long ripper turned into a bloody mess. Thankfully I don't mean "bloody" literally.
John shit himself big time. This wasn't a simple florch that could maybe dry up in a few minutes and leave one's mind, this was a florch of major proportions. This was a "find the closest gas station and get the washroom key florch."
John found took the first off ramp and found a Pioneer gas station where got out of the car squeezing his ass cheeks together while awkwardly entering the gas station to get the key to make all that was wrong, right.
Neighbour John entered the dingy bathroom and dropped his drawers and began a massive clean-up that rivaled the Exxon Valdez. But wouldn't you know it, John had no sooner entered the washroom when a young kid who desperately needed to piss started to bang on the door.
John, startled by this, and in haste to get back on the road decided to sacrifice his underwear, so he gave himself one more wipe down and placed his underwear deep inside the garbage bin before putting his pants back on.
However, just before he left the washroom John gave himself a glance in the mirror and turned his ass around so he could have a look. Much to his horror there was a distinct florch mark on the back of his jeans. It was there to be seen and noticed, and definitely commented on by the group of idiots he was about to catch up with at the Humble and Fred Podcast.
As he got back into his car John decided there was only one thing to do. With time running out before show time at the Dominion on Queen, John decided not to go home, but rather buy a new pair of pants.
Lucky for him there was a "Moore's" directly across the street from the gas station so he bolted over there to get himself back in shape.
John says it was quite the challenge to go into the clothing store and ask for the cheapest pair of pants while trying to hide his florch mark and the odour that it must have possessed.
John kept his distance while the "commission only" sales person approached. John asked for a pair of basic kakis, but the salesman wanted to play sales hero and offered to measure John's waste and inseam.
More horror raged through John as he envisioned sales boy getting his beak close to the disaster area, so he was short and sharp with the sales knob.
"No thanks" said Johnny boy, "I know exactly what I want."
He raced over to a table, grabbed something close to his size and bolted into the change room where he quickly tried on the pants. They were a perfect fit so he ripped off the tags, rolled up the soiled jeans and went straight to the checkout counter sporting his new trousers.
At this point he didn't care what anyone thought.
John got back into his car, and despite all this action and gastric controversy he still made it to the podcast on time. But this posed another problem.
John figured he had cleaned himself up pretty well at the gas station, but he was still self conscious about lingering affect. Yea, he used soap and water and lots of paper towel, but it's not like having a shower. John didn't think he stunk, but it still played on his mind so he sat at the back of the restaurant all alone.
At this point, things seemed to be fine. John had made the show on time, he had a new pair of pants, his asshole had stopped barkin' at him and he was far enough away from anyone to worry about odour.
That's until Nick Kypreos entered the picture.
Nick had met John at previous Humble and Fred functions, so after he had made his appearance on the podcast, Kypreos headed to the back of the bar, noticed John and had a seat beside him.
On any other occasiion Neighbour John would have been thrilled to keep company with a former NHLer who had now become a TV star, but not on this day. On this day, while Kypreos made small talk John was preoccupied with what might be emanating from the area affectionately known as his stink hole.
As it turns out, John was OK. The combination of the clean up job at the Pioneer and the smell of draft beer and deep fried pub food kept the fragrance of John's hell hole in check. Kypreos made no weird face contortions and stayed for a nice long chat.
John was relieved, but not nearly as relieved as he was when the podcast came to an end and he could head home and put this terrible nightmare behind him.
Not only that, but his gut was starting to percolate again.
I just found out about this incident yesterday, so as I look back it explains John's uncharacteristic behavior at the end of the podcast. Usually he'd want to stick around and have a couple of beers before leaving, especially in a place that offered such a wide variety of draft beer.
But not this time, John shook a few hands, mumbled something about having a job to do, and left the bar without anyone noticing he walked out much differently than he walked in.
That's where the story ends for me. He didn't elaborate on the ride home, whether he had to make a few stops along the way or why his sweet wife Ally took a power washer into their bathroom after he got home.
All I do know is this, it takes one helluva friend to put himself through what John put himself through on May 2nd to support his buddy Fred..... and an even bigger man to actually admit it.
Because let's be honest, at some time in our lives we've all florched.
"Cabbage soup makes you poop
Down your leg and in your boot."
Category: Neighbour John
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